Local Wahine Shares her Story at Fundraiser
On Saturday evening, November 12th, over 80 supporters of the ‘Ai Pono Foundation listened to Erin, a young Maui woman who has struggled with Eating Disorders for most of her life, tell the story of her journey of discovery and recovery.
Erin shared her personal and poignant history of how her eating disorder came to be, and 7 discoveries she made about Eating Disorders on her journey. That night, the audience walked away with a greater understanding of the realities, challenges and the pervasiveness of this illness, including:
#1 Eating Disorders can and do affect anyone, regardless of age, sex, race, or size.
#2 They really aren’t about the food or the weight, they are a coping mechanism, a way to control your life when you can’t deal with painful feelings and memories.
#3 The more you talk about it- to people who are understanding and accepting, the less shameful it becomes. And there are far more people who are open and accepting than you might think. Shame keeps us stuck.
#4 I was not alone when I sought treatment- there were many more people struggling with the same issues.
#5 Intuitive Eating - tells us that foods are not good or bad, and I shouldnʻt be relying on external cues to determine what I should be eating. Our bodies are designed to know what they need.
#6 Health at Every Size - I learned that eating a balanced diet, eating regularly, and engaging in joyful movement were health promoting activities, that may or may not result in weight loss. I learned that people have set weight points, and these may be determined by genetics, medications, diseases, etc. Trying to force your body to be a certain size, when your set weight point is different, is never successful.
#7 Recovery is not linear!
Erin summed up her presentation with these words of wisdom:
To anyone who is struggling with disordered eating, I encourage you to seek help. Donʻt stay stuck in shame, I promise you, it is so much better on the other side. The recovery process is difficult and can be painful, but it is absolutely worth it.
If you’d like to read the full transcript of Erin’s presentation, see below!
A Journey of Discovery and Recovery
Aloha, and thank you for having me here today. I was so honored when Tina and Cathy asked me to be a presenter for tonight, and I look forward to sharing my eating disorder history with you all tonight. Ai Pono has been instrumental in my journey of discovery and recovery, and I am forever grateful to everyone at Ai Pono for that.
To those who are less familiar with eating disorders, I may not look how you would expect someone who has recovered from an eating disorder to look. I certainly donʻt look how I used to think people with eating disorders looked. I remember learning about anorexia and bulimia in high school, and the image was always of an emaciated individual, usually teenagers, but occasionally adults, and almost always women, not men, typically Caucasians. In these portrayals, the behaviors and changes to the body were so extreme, that it became obvious to friends and family that the individual had an issue. Even worse, the individuals were portrayed as shallow, and the eating disorder as being rooted in superficiality.
One of the first discoveries that was key to my recovery, was the recognition that this is so far from the truth. Eating disorders can and do affect anyone, regardless of age, sex, race, or size. *In fact, fewer than 6% of people with eating disorders are medically diagnosed as “underweight.” In fact, larger body size is actually a risk factor for developing an eating disorder. *Unfortunately, people in larger bodies are half as likely as those at a “normal weight” or “underweight” to be diagnosed with an eating disorder.
The stigma surrounding eating disorders keeps people mired in shame, and makes it harder to reach out for support. Further, those who are classified as “healthy weight” or “overweight” often feel as though they arenʻt sick enough to need help. This was certainly the case for me. This is a very sad reality, because eating disorders are a significant mental and physical health concern, and many people are undiagnosed, untreated and left struggling with the resulting pain and confusion. Eating disorders are among the deadliest mental illnesses. 10,200 deaths each year are the direct result of an eating disorder—that’s one death every 52 minutes.*
Diet Culture and the resulting body dissatisfaction are leading causes of eating disorders. Diet culture leads us to believe that there is something wrong with us, if we donʻt exist in an “ideal” body. We are told that we are unattractive, unhealthy, and have poor willpower if our bodies do not fit into a certain mold. This is rampant on Social Media- ads for diets, people bragging about their weight loss, complaining about gaining weight, photoshopping models to look a certain way. It is no wonder that so many people are dissatisfied with their bodies.
42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner.*
35-57% of adolescent girls engage in crash dieting, fasting, self-induced vomiting, diet pills, or laxatives.*
In a college campus survey, 91% of the women admitted to controlling their weight through dieting.*
*Statistics found on ANAD website
I felt shame about not being able to stick to whatever fad diet my parents were on. And I was even more confused because my mother would binge as a way to self soothe, food was celebratory; overindulgence was expected at holidays or special events, and food was used to show love. Unsurprisingly, this led to a lot of guilt and confusion about food. I was praised whenever I lost weight, or when I would stick to a restrictive eating plan- told what a good job I was doing. I was rewarded as well, weight loss meant shopping trips and new clothes. But somehow, I could never stick to those diets. At the time, I thought I had poor will power. Now, as someone who has recovered, I realize that I was putting unrealistic expectations on myself, engaging in unhealthy eating patterns, and trying to fit into a mold that my body was never meant to fit into.
This pattern of yo-yo dieting continued well into adulthood, and the diets got more extreme, my self confidence dropped even lower, and my shame grew. I still had no idea that I had an eating disorder- no idea that all those extreme diets were a form of restrictive eating. Eventually, new behaviors worked their way in. Overindulgences led to extreme binging, and binging led to purging. Before I knew it I was Bulimic, and at this point- I finally recognized that I had an eating disorder. But I was so ashamed, how could I admit this to anyone? So, I did what many people do- I hid it, and I hid it well. I put on a happy face, and I smiled and laughed and told everyone how wonderful my life was. I was a people pleaser, and the thought of anyone thinking poorly of me, was much too traumatic of an idea. Behind the scenes, I was sad, ashamed, confused, and in pain. My mental energy was consumed with food, body image and weight loss
At this point, I found a therapist. She was wonderful, and helped me recognize that I had a lot of inner pain and trauma to work through.
This was when I made my second discovery- the eating disorder really wasnʻt about the food or the weight. It was a coping mechanism, a way to try to control my life when I couldnʻt deal with the painful feelings and memories. I didnʻt even realize how much pain I had been trying to cover up. Therapy was incredibly helpful for me, I made great progress with overcoming codependency, learning to accept some anger and other “negative” feelings, and started to stand up for myself. My self-confidence began to improve, and I began to be comfortable in my own skin. However, the disordered eating behaviors didnʻt go away. My therapist recommended finding a more immersive program to try to deal with the eating disorder, but I was still filled with shame and somewhat in denial. I didnʻt think I needed anything that in-depth, I could solve the problem on my own, I wasnʻt that sick...
These are the lies I told myself to keep myself stuck in the eating disorder. I was also very busy, and just didnʻt see how I could fit anything more into my schedule.
I took a break from therapy, I had made such great progress in several different arenas. About a year or two later, I realized that my eating disorder behaviors were worsening again, and I went back to therapy. At this point, Ai Pono had opened up right here on Maui. My therapist was so excited when she told me about it, and how she thought it would be a great fit for me. Previously she had recommended reading Eating in the Light of the Moon, Dr. Anita Johnstonʻs book, and I had found it very helpful. So, I checked out the website, and it seemed like such a great program- very well rounded. I saw that they had an intensive outpatient program, which ran in the evenings. I remember thinking- oh I could just do a couple of evenings a week- that would be perfect! I admit, I still wasnʻt recognizing how much support I actually needed.
I remember how nervous I was making the call to Ai Pono, this meant actually admitting that I had an eating disorder, to people I didnʻt know. What if they didnʻt take me seriously because I wasnʻt underweight? What would it be like? How could I fit it into my schedule?
When I called, they were so kind, and encouraged me to come in to talk about the program and my needs. I said I thought I could do a couple of afternoons per week. I was very kindly told that most likely they would be recommending more than that, and that an assessment would be done to determine what would work best.
Things happened pretty quickly then, I had to get a physical and bloodwork done at my doctorʻs office- so, again, I had to admit to someone else that I had an eating disorder. The initial assessment at Ai Pono was not easy- the questions were very probing, and not only did I have to admit I had an eating disorder, I had to share the details of my behaviors.
This was when I made my third discovery- the more you talk about it- to people who are understanding and accepting, the less shameful it becomes. And there are far more people who are open and accepting than you might think. Shame keeps us stuck.
After the assessment, I was told that they would admit me as part of their Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP). I would still be able to live at home, and also would be able to keep working. The program would start at 30 hours per week! This was a far cry from the “couple of afternoons” I had been anticipating. At this point though, I was all in- I was ready to do whatever it took to recover. I had to speak with my job to figure out how to make it work with my schedule, but we made it work, and I was supported in my recovery.
I was incredibly nervous my first day- would I be welcomed? Would I be the only “overweight” person? Would I be judged for my size? What would it be like?
My fears were unfounded- I was welcomed with open arms. I was pleasantly surprised to see women of all shapes, sizes, ages, and with a variety of different eating disorders. I quickly had my fourth discovery- I was not alone- there were many more people struggling with the same issues. I was amazed to discover how similar many of our stories were- how so many of us engaged in a full range of eating disorder behavior (not just anorexia or bulimia, but binge eating, orthorexia, exercise abuse, etc.), how so many of us used the eating disorder as a way to cope with our inner pain, mired in shame.
Working and doing a 30 hour a week recovery program was definitely a challenge, but I made it happen. My time at Ai Pono felt like “me time”, it was self care, and more self-care than I had ever given myself before. I experienced my full range of emotions, for probably the first time in my life. I finally began to actually open up, to be vulnerable, and to talk about my eating disorder. The more I shared, the more I heard from others- the less shame I felt. My self confidence grew, my acceptance of feeling emotions grew. I learned coping mechanisms to deal with uncomfortable feelings and challenges. Remember how I said it wasnʻt really about the food? This is what it was about! I had to work through my pain and trauma and find better coping mechanisms, only then could I relearn how to change my relationship with food.
This is when I made my next two discoveries. Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size.
It was time to stop trying to control my food and eating, and to stop labeling and judging foods. Intuitive eating tells us that foods are not good or bad, and I shouldnʻt be relying on external cues to determine what I should be eating. Our bodies are designed to know what they need. I learned to tune into my hunger and fullness cues, to recognize that my cravings might be telling me something, and that by denying myself- it was only going to make the cravings worse. At first, I definitely overindulged a bit, allowing myself freedom to eat whatever I wanted was something I had never done. I was craving a lot of foods that I had denied myself or judged myself for eating. Once I got those cravings out of the way, the desire for those things lessened- sure I still crave them sometimes- but knowing I could eat them whenever I wanted made me want them less. I began to enjoy and desire a wider range of foods, I no longer judged myself for my food choices. I also learned that eating regularly throughout the day helped to prevent binges, kept me more energized, and felt better overall.
Health at Every Size taught me that I wasnʻt inherently “unhealthy” just because of my weight- this was mind blowing to me. I learned that eating a balanced diet, eating regularly, and engaging in joyful movement were health promoting activities, that may or may not result in weight loss. I learned that people have set weight points, and these may be determined by genetics, medications, diseases, etc. Trying to force your body to be a certain size, when your set weight point is different, is never successful. For so long, I had been told I was unhealthy purely because of my size- despite the fact that my bloodwork was good. In fact, the thing that affected my health negatively was the constant restrive diets and other eating disorder behaviors I engaged in. For years, every single doctor's appointment I went to- no matter the reason I was there- I was told I needed to lose weight. It was suggested on numerous occasions that I get weight loss surgery, even if I just went in because I had a cold. Is it any wonder that I ended up with an eating disorder?
We need to stop telling people that they are unhealthy based purely on the number on the scale! Doing so does NOT encourage people to become healthier- it does the opposite. When I was younger, I avoided a lot of physical activity because I would be judged based on my size, and I participated in restrictive and unhealthy eating patterns- all because society told me I was unhealthy purely based on my weight.
Ai Pono taught me that this wasnʻt true, and that I could stop reaching for an unrealistic goal. I cannot even tell you the freedom that came with this recognition. I made great progress, I was no longer engaging in disordered eating behaviors, we slowly decreased my hours at Ai Pono each week, and eventually I was discharged.
This is when I made my next discovery- Recovery is not linear! Setbacks happen, about a year after leaving, I went through a stressful period, and the behaviors started coming back in. One big difference- I no longer felt shame, and knew how to respond. I immediately called Ai Pono, and was welcomed back. This time at the Intensive outpatient level. I got back on track with my recovery. I continued to build a support system to stay recovery minded. I make sure important people in my life know about my eating disorder history, and I stand up for my needs. I go to therapy, and work with eating disorder dieticians. I utilize the coping mechanisms I learned at Ai Pono. I have curated my social media to be supportive, not triggering- I follow eating disorder dieticians, fellow recoverers, body positive accounts, and therapists. I, personally, have also found that participating in Ai Pono groups a couple times a month helps to keep me strong in my recovery, so that is something I still do, and I am so grateful to have that as a resource.
I still have setbacks, I cannot say that I am 100% behavior free all the time, but the eating disorder no longer controls my life. Behaviors are very rare for me, and I am able to process and move on quickly and easily. I am no longer controlled by my eating disorder. More importantly, I am proud of the woman I am today. I love myself, I am confident, assertive, able to form boundaries, have good communication, build healthy relationships, and am in touch with my feelings. I am truly proud of the woman I have become, and am deeply grateful to Ai Pono for helping me to get her.
To anyone who is struggling with disordered eating, I encourage you to seek help. Donʻt stay stuck in shame, I promise you, it is so much better on the other side. The recovery process is difficult and can be painful, but it is absolutely worth it.